The inner critic

We all know it. We all hear it.  It scolds “I’m so stupid. Why did I say that? Why didn't I do better? I should have done things differently. I am a failure.”

How harsh is that? These things we tell ourselves very often wouldn’t dream of saying to anyone else. When a thought contains the word 'should' - that’s often the critical voice.

So, who’s voice is this?  “Mine of course,” you might be thinking. But it’s not. This voice has been absorbed since you were a child, like an insidious little recording planted in your brain. It’s the voices of people who were bigger, stronger, older than us. The voice of authority figures – parents, teachers. The voice of our family or societal norms. People who you believed.

But what if that voice is wrong? Wrong when they said don't cry, you're being silly. Wrong when they said you shouldn't get angry. When they told you you weren't good at art that you were stupid, ugly, weird. Not good enough. Not smart enough. Not acceptable. If we take some time to notice the thoughts and what they are saying, then to question – what is the evidence for this belief – we usually see that this voice is not a fair, kind or accurate critic. It is a whisper from the past. It can also be what we misguidedly told ourselves when we were neglected or treated badly. If a parent was absent or abusive the child will always believe it was their fault. That’s how children are wired.

Sometimes to help us untangle the old negative messages, we must look at our family patterns and the voices of authority when we were children. What were we told was acceptable and what was not? As adults we don’t have to just go along with this, we can decide if we agree or not. As adults we get to make our own decisions and choose how we talk to ourselves. If we make a mistake it is it far more helpful to acknowledge it with compassion and reflect on why we made that mistake and what might we do differently next time. We can recognise that feelings of being ‘weird’ or ‘too sensitive’ or ‘useless’ were either things we were directly told or things we inferred from adults’ treatment of us. Adults make mistakes - they have issues like the rest of us. They might have been doing their best AND it could still have resulted in the development not of self-esteem but that critical voice.

Looking at all of this with clients in the therapy room, it is not about blaming parents. What it is about is acknowledging our experience and what beliefs and feelings it caused that were not accurate or supportive.

So how do we change? We learn to create a debate – we hear the critical voice and then bring in a helpful ‘opposition’. A kind voice, the voice we ideally use with our loved ones, our children perhaps.  A curious voice that says “Really? Is it true that you are useless? Is it true that you ‘shouldn’t feel what you feel?” A compassionate voice saying “It must be really hard to feel like this.” A reassuring voice that says “You ARE good enough. I love and accept you as you are, right here right now.”